Do You Remember The First Time?
by gwingwin
Summary: A Stendan Songfic.


**This is set back when Brendan and Ste were sneaking around behind everyone's back. The song is "Do You Remember The First Time?" by the almighty Pulp.**

**Disclaimer: In no way mine.**

Do You Remember The First Time?

_You say you've got to go home 'cos she's sitting on her own again this evening. _

_I know you're gonna let her bore your pants off again. _

_Oh God, it's half past eight you'll be late. _

He doesn't know how this happened. He promised himself, crossed his heart, hoped to die. He feels like dying now. He's not a masochist, honest he's not and he doesn't know why he can't get over Brendan. Except that he does, of course, he knows exactly why, it's because Brendan's the most unpredictable, exciting and amazing person he's ever met. He is also, without a doubt, one of the worst, but somehow he doesn't seem to dwell on that much. Brendan just left, after... well, yeah. After. Mitzeee will be waiting.

_You say you've never been sure though it makes good sense for you to be together. _

_Still you bought a toy that can reach the places she never goes & now it's getting late. _

_He's so straight. _

It didn't mean anything, Brendan was using him, he deserved better, Brendan would never come out... All the pep talks and home truths in the world didn't make any difference when he was in this deep. He _does_ _know_ he's just serving a purpose, giving Brendan what Mitzeee, or any glamour model, can't in as stress free a way as possible. 'Cus it is stress free now, for Brendan, now he's stopped questioning him, and pressuring him into saying things he doesn't want to say and doing things he doesn't want to do. He's given up, accepted that this is all he's ever going to get. And he's still here because, surely, half a relationship with Brendan is still going to be better than the real thing with anyone else?

Mitzeee perplexes him. He can understand Brendan's thinking, she's certainly pretty, she quashes all possible rumors about his sexuality, it makes good sense. He just doesn't see that it can be any fun for her. Maybe she just likes playing the actress.

_Do you remember the first time? _

_I can't remember a worse time _

_But you know that we've changed so much since then_

_Oh yeah, we've grown. _

This _thing _between them, this thing that never seems to be over no matter how badly they screw up or what they say, has been going on for ages now. Too long to be passed off as a mistake or a momentary lapse, long enough for it to feel normal. It gets more like a real relationship everyday. It gets more twisted everyday. That first kiss, drunk and scared and confused, was nothing compared to all this. The sex, needless to say, is mind blowing but that's not enough. At least it isn't enough _now_, afterward, now he's alone staring at the ceiling with nothing else to think about except how shit everything is. It always seems to mean more while it's happening. Like it really means _something_. But that's probably just him being pathetic.

_Now I don't care what you're doing_

_No I don't care if you screw her just as long as you save a piece for me_

_Oh yeah now, you say you've got to go home. _

It all just makes him so _angry. _Angry at Brendan for being so fucking irresistible and such a _twat _at the same time, at himself for being weak and stupid and so easily seduced, Mitzeee for moving in with Brendan even though she knows he's doesn't and wont ever love her (and for spelling her name with three e's, what's that all about?) at Pete for turning up at precisely the wrong moment and stirring up trouble, at so many people, but mostly he's angry at everyone Brendan's met in his entire life that have moulded him into this _magnetic _psycho that can't admit what he really is.

He's well aware he's being pathetic. He lets Brendan walk all over him, he doesn't even fight it any more. It seems futile because he always goes back, Brendan _makes him_ go back. He should get out. Move on with his life. Honestly, that doesn't even feel like an option. Brendan has become far too important in every aspect of his life for walking away to seem feasible. Worse than that, he's started to not care. And that, more than anything, is what convinces him he has to do something. Because if he's started to _accept _the situation, then he'll no doubt be caught up in it forever. It's going nowhere. It's obviously time to walk away.

_Well at least there's someone there that you can talk to _

_And you never have to face up to the night on your own._

_Jesus, it must be great to be straight. _

Brendan doesn't need him, he could quite easily find another guy to toy around with. That's it. He's ending it. Enough. He tries very hard not to think about the fact that he's told himself the exact same thing every night for the last few months. This time will be different. It _will. _He will get out while he still can, get a normal life, a proper boyfriend, be completely and utterly happy. Easy, yeah? He's certain. Mind made up. Brendan can get fucked. It's over.

_Do you remember the first time?_

_I can't remember a worse time _

_but you know that we've changed so much since then_

_Oh yeah, we've grown. _

His phone buzzes.

_Mitzeee's gone out. Want to come over?_

He's tapped out the message and pressed send before any rational thought can occur.

_Okay._

He'll end it tomorrow. Honest.


End file.
